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The Girl Who Doesn't Like Chocolate
(first published in Golly Gee #1, December 1994)


What is your full name?
Randie-Lynn P----

What sort of animal do you feel your brother is?
I would have to say that the animal my brother truly is is a donkey. Because he can really be an ass. Plus, he's stubborn.

Who is the blandest person you know?
Well, there's [sic] so many...no comment.

If you were a vegetable, what would you be? Why?
If I would be a vegetable, I would be a carrot, because—for one—they're orange, and orange is just a cool color, and because they're always in cartoons with Bugs Bunny, and they help you see better at night, and they make your fingers all orange when you eat them. And they have green hair.

Did you have any childhood nicknames?
My parents called me "ham" because I used to ham it up for the camera.

What was your favorite cartoon?
I used to watch so many cartoons. They, like, killed my brain. It was this cartoon called "The Biscuits," and it was about these little puppy dogs in medievil times who fought big scary monsters. They wore medievil clothing and jousted and stuff.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
A criminologist.

Because you get inside the brains of psychos and it just really fascinates me about why people kill people the way they do. I know it sounds kind of morbid, but...

What was the best band of the '80s?
The Culture Club, with Boy George.

You can't beat them. With songs like "Karma Chameleon" you can't go wrong. Plus, how he dressed was so unbelievable, with those fake braids and, like, the afghans he wore... and the makeup and nail polish. He just ruled. But a close second would be Wham! with George Michael and that bald guy and they wore cheesey Pro-Life T-shirts in their videos and, I mean, "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" was just the best song.

What was the dumbest Christmas present you ever received?
I got some really bad perfume that if you sprayed a little bit, it made you completely puke... I won't say the name of it to protect the company, but it was bad. My mom, I told her I liked The Little Mermaid, and she bought me a sticker book when I was a sophomore. It was awful. I think I gave it away...

What is your opinion on 90210?
I think it's the dumbest show. It's so unrealistic. The girls wear clothes that are just so tight, and all the girls cut their hair the same way—is it supposed to be trendy or something? I mean, what's the point? They always talk out their problems. They never fight and scream like you're supposed to. The worst argument that ever occurred on that show was whether or not Brenda could go to the Bahamas with her boyfriend. It makes no sense to me how eight of the luckiest people in the world can have these things to complain about and fill up an hour on national television.

How did you feel about doing this interview?
I feel confident that I would not sound like an idiot and I hope people are enlightened by my insight into today's society. I hope they don't think I'm a dweeb.


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