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Phone Interview with Potato

Anna Fauve (AF): Hello potato. Are you often mistaken for Mr. Potatohead?

Potato (P): No, I have too many eyes, whereas he only has two detachable ones. Also, I lack a moustache.

AF: And arms and legs, I presume. How do you feel about the many ways your brethren are killed and eaten?

P: People don't realize our means of operations. We are taking over from the inside. Are you eating us? Or are WE EATING YOU?

AF: Interesting. Do you really think starch is any match for hydrochloric acid?

P: It's very scientific what we do. All I can tell you is You ARE what you eat. (quietly maniacal laughter)

AF: I AM NOT A POTATO and I resent that remark!

P: You are only what you believe yourself to be. Accept your inner spud and learn to grow.

AF: Humans only have two eyes. We have arms and legs. We have brains! Potatoes do not.

P: That's only skin deep.

AF: Well, I could bash you with a hammer and prove you don't have a brain.

P: With violence you only prove your own brutality. Strike me down and I will become more powerful than you can ever imagine.

AF: We could X-ray you and prove you don't have a brain.

P: You're very brain-oriented, why is that?

AF: This interview is about YOU, Potato, not me. Let's stay on track. I'm just trying to prove that you have no brain, and therefore potatoes and humans are not one and the same.

P: Not yet...

AF: Okay potato, how do you propose humans and potatoes will eventually be one and the same?

P: That's classified.

AF: Give me a hint.

P: Sorry. Can't. When you are one with your spud, then maybe. But you are not prepared. Your precious mind will burst and turn to a lump of whipped, starchy filling.

AF: Um, okay. So what other projects are you currently working on?

P: I'm writing a feature. Brad Pitt is attached. Now there' s a guy who is at one with his inner potato.

AF: So, wait. You, a potato, are writing a feature about Brad Pitt?

P: Not about Brad Pitt, FOR Brad Pitt. It's called "Action Grease Kibbutz."

AF: So what is this no-doubt high quality film about?

P: That's classified.

AF: How do you expect your movie to do well if you don't promote it? Has Brad Pitt definitely signed on to the project?

P: He is. Promotions handles the promoting. It is a closed set. If I talk about it more than that, I'll be sued, then eaten.

AF: I think you'll be eaten eventually anyway. How long until you go bad?

P: I'm already bad, baby!

AF: How bad?

P: Bad to tha bone! Ummm, if I had bones that is.

(at this point Potato's publicist interrupts)

Publicist: (chewing) Didja finish interviewing the potato? 'Cause I ate it.

AF: I was going to ask Potato about Potato's thoughts on rabbits, but oh well. And grubs.

Publicist: Sorry, I was hungry. I think you have enough for the article anyway.

AF: 'Sokay. Is there another potato we could interview at a later date to answer these pressing questions?

Publicist: Nope, that's it. They're resentful about your brain obsession.

AF: I am not obsessed with brains, I only asked like, three questions about brains.

Publicist: Potatoes get upset easily.

AF: Why is that, I wonder.

Publicist: Historical oppression.

AF: Oppression by what?

Publicist: The Irish.

AF: Gotcha

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