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Interview with Matt
(conducted on March 3, 2006)


1) What's your name? What is your alias?
Matthew LaPrade. At the moment, Enigmattic. I'm not an alias type of guy, nor do I have a social circle where I could use aliases.

2) Why are you here? What is your purpose in life?
'Cause you asked me! I don't know. To experience the little for the sake of the big. To experience the finite for the sake of the infinite.

3) Who's your favorite New Kid? Or is it Marky Mark?
Oh Christ… I guess Marky Mark, I couldn't even name any of the other ones. I was never into them, I was into making fun of them. Joey? Is that one of them? He was the young one. The others were probably all smoking cigarettes and he was like, "hey I'm gonna tell Mom!"

4) What is your favorite game?
Killer Bunnies.

5) If you were a fruit or vegetable, what would you be?
I could be a carrot or a cucumber, right? Wouldn't that be the Freudian thing to say? An apple. It's a childhood thing.

6) What's in your wallet?
Oh man… Wasn't that a campaign for a credit card? My friend had it for his AIM and he was trying to hawk these credit cards and that's their line… The usual licenses and credit cards, probably some cash— no, I keep that in my pocket. Various receipts. The ticket stub from my first concert after marriage that I went to in that string of concerts over two years, Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds. Like Reynolds wrap.

7) What are your nicknames?
Oh shit, Matt. In the yearbook I put like, Stiffy and something else stupid. Names that passed by for like a couple weeks or something. I used to call myself… Nevermind I'll come back to it. Something like Loopy the Half-Inch 10-Second Finch or something. Loopy was good for me 'cause I was a wackshot, and the 10 second thing because everyone was bragging about their sexual 10-inches and their sex lives. There ain't gonna be no two-in-the-morning-pulling-it-out-to-prove-who's-bigger shit.

8) What is the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you?
The first thing that pops into my head would probably be that horrible concert at senior assembly. Somebody played with the P.A. levels after we did soundcheck. As if our band didn't sound bad enough… And then the dude we asked to sing for us because we were being nice, was walking around flipping his hair around for the girls, he knocked out my guitar chords a couple of times… The vice prinicpal ended up running up waving his hands, telling us to stop.

9) Nirvana or Pearl Jam?
Pearl Jam.

10) What's the best thing about Vanilla Ice?
James Carrey. Yeah, because he inspired Jim Carrey to do that great bit on "In Living Color". And there was that guy who was like, "I'd like to apologize to the whole black community for Vanilla Ice." And he [Vanilla Ice] stole that whole bass line. I doubt that he did any of his… I don't' know, he probably did some of his stuff… I miss Milli Vanilli.

11) What is your main aspiration in life?
Oh god. Uh… To have 1000 friends on MySpace, no don't write that, I'm not that much of a loser. To see civilization come to its end.

12) What is your favorite '80s band or song?
I'm just going to go with what's on the top of my head. How about "When the Children Cry" by White Lion. Wasn't that song inspirational? It had good acoustic guitar, it had meaning, the video was good, it was more than just hair and tattoos and womens' bottoms.

13) What song is stuck in your head right now?
"Girl You Know It's True" by Milli Vanilli. Even after talking about "When the Children Cry".

14) What is your spirit animal?
I'm my own animal. Once Mike said "the three-toed sloth," I'm like yeah! But that is me. Three-toed sloth. No, that doesn't count. Even other primates, like the orangutan, 'cause they're solitary, they hang out in the trees. I guess some kind of feline, like a tiger, a nice, kind tiger. "No, I'm just sniffing. … No, you're injured anyway, I'll take care of that." But no fresh killing, tigers can go a long time without eating. They can go a long time without having sex. But once mating season comes around, they just don't stop.

15) If you were to spontanteously combust in the near future, what would your last thought be?
Probably would depend on the moment… but you know, "Why this? Why now?" I'd be whining! After everything I've gone through I'm just going to combust! And it's not fair!

16) Are you a cat or dog person or perhaps both?
I'm a cat person.

17) What is your favorite number?

18) Which Monopoly piece do you use?
The horse, the cowboy. Which is so not me, but maybe it is, deep down inside. I'm just a cowboy, longing to discover my female side. What do you think those saddles and spurs are for? Going into to that Willie Nelson song.

19) Name the phase you're in right now.
I'm in the parental phase. And I'm in the trying-to-make-up-for-the-party-days-I-never-had phase.

20) What's your favorite drink?
I really like those Grateful Deads when they're made right. Let's get straight to the point, let's get fucked up! And then go see Rusted Root! Yay!

21) Name three movies you love, and three movies you hate.
Love: 1. I Heart Huckabees 2. What the Bleep Do We Know? And how about 3. Natural Born Killers.
Hate: That sucks. I can't do that, I don't know… We started watching this movie called Stage Beauty, that was pretty lame, but I can't say I hate it, 'cause I didn't give it a fair shake. Oh wait, how about some Disney movies! 1. Mary Poppins. 2. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Have you ever seen that one? I think there were a couple of sequels. 3. Oh my god this one was horrible, Roger and Hammerstien's Cinderella starring Julie Andrews. They don't even talk in this movie, they only sing. [imitates child's voice] "We're watching Cinderella." [angry Matt voice] "NO WE'RE NOT!"

22) What's a CD people don't expect you to have?
Trish Murphy. I'm going to have to look this one up. It's like, almost country. It was on BLZ, a station like the River, The lyrics were something like "throw your babies into the river, watch them flow…" Wait here it is: "Tell your babies what you know/ Drop em in the river and watch em go./ Take em down, it's up to you./ Tell your pretty children/ The ugly truth."

23) Which actor would play you in the movie version of your life?
I don't know actors. I can't, I don't know. Woody Harrelson. He is so cool. He really is.

24) What would be the best concert lineup? (Five performers maximum)
Ani DiFranco, Dave Matthews Band, I suppose Pearl Jam, I don't know, they're just so loud now. Going to see them was great, I don't know, I'm old now. 50 Cent… No just kidding. K's Choice, and oh you know who I'd like to see is Sigur Ros. They're pretty cool, I like them. Um… it would be… Sound Tribe Sector 9. Yes. That's them, that's the name.

25) What TV show could you watch all fucking day?
I'm sure there's one out there but I don't know what it is right now. Now that I've seen "Sex and the City", I don't know if I'd watch all of those all over again. "Six Feet Under" is pretty good. I'm sure I'd like "The Sopranos", but that's old news now. Who couldn't watch "Saved By the Bell" all day? Really, who couldn't?

26) Do you read books? If so, which ones?
Yes. Derrick Jensen.

27) What are your guilty pleasures?
Alcohol and cigarettes, sex and masturbation, they shouldn't be guilty but they are. Can't ever get rid of that edge.

28) What is your favorite sequined outfit?
What the fuck is that? I have no answer for this one. Nothing. Whatever he said.

29) What is your favorite Kevin Bacon masterpiece?
Could you help me out here? No pun intended. Alright, wait. Internet rocks. What's that website? IMDB.com. Kevin Fry? [Marissa- Kevin BACON.] God he's ugly, I just saw him in a movie… Okay, I haven't seen any of these movies… Balto? He was fucking Balto? That's bad. I don't know any. He was in Animal House? Awesome. Animal House. I guess it's not one of his masterpieces, but it's a masterpiece.

30) What is the best quote from Napoleon Dynamite?
I'm not going to say "vote for pedro," that would make me a total loser. I don't know any. I'm not a Napoleon Dynamite cult member. I've only watched it once, that makes me a curious… whatever you call it. Wait, hold on. I'm working on it here. If we had the movie, I'm sure we'd watch it a couple more times. "But my lips hurt real bad."

31) Who is your favorite Jim Henson creation?
Would that include Rolph the dog? Okay then, Rolph the dog. He was cool. He still is cool.
Come get your dinner Tina, you fat lard. Sheesh.

32) Who is your favorite Golden Girl?
Oh… Betty White. Right? Is that her name? Dorothy. Yeah. There was one episode where this guy who was trying to sleep with her by making her feel bad for him because his wife died, and she was like, "It's not going to happen, this isn't going to help you get through your sorrow," and I was like, rock on, way to stand up for yourself.
Rex Kwon Doe? Kip? That was his brother, right?

33) What is your favorite movie quote?
I don't know. I really don't know, I'm not a movie quote person. I'd probably have something from South Park if it wasn't a musical.

34) How did you feel about doing this interview? RIGHT NOW! FIRST THOUGHT!
Gee I hope it's going to be online. Over the messenger. (Note from Marissa: the interview was not done over a computer messaging service) I was going to say "roundhouse kick," but it wasn't the first thing in my mind, it was the first thing I saw. I just watched Reindeer Games, that movie is stuck in my head, I can't think of anything else.


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