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Interview with Ken
(first published in Golly Gee #10, spring 2000)

1) What's your name?
My name is Kenneth Campbell. I was going by the name of Princess Charlotte for a while, though. Back when we lived in Shitland.

2) Why are you here?
I am here to convert Oxygen into Carbon Dioxide and to increase the world's pollution problem. I think I'm doing more than my share, actually.

3) Who's your favorite New Kid?
My favorite New Kid is Joey. He reminds me of a little chipmunk. And I love his new album title.

4) Who's your favorite Muppet?
My favorite Muppet would be Snookems. He looked like he had meat hanging off of him. When I was a kid my favorite one was Scooter. I guess I probably related to him. I had a whole bunch of Scooter stuff. He was the myopic Muppet. A word I learned from Judy Blume. I've learned a lot of my vocabulary from Judy Blume.

5) If you were a fruit or vegetable, what would you be?
Probably strawberries just because a whole field can be "one" strawberry, which rocks. We rock. Oh, do we? Sorry, Sonic Youth tangent. When I was on a bus on my way to Lollapalooza (the one with Sonic Youth) I was sitting next to this old punk rock lady who told me a story about how she met Kim Gordon and she walked up to her and was just like "Wow, you're from Sonic Youth. You guys rock!" and Kim Gordon was like "Oh, do we?" I guess that sort of embodies what Sonic Youth is all about.

6) What are your nicknames?
Nicknames that I haven't made up for myself? I used to refer to myself as Princess Charlotte or Generallisiamo Nutkins. Other than "Fucking Faggot," nothing I can think of… That was my high school nickname. As in, "Hey you Fucking Faggot, don't you fuck me!" I guess they thought if they let their guard down I would be up their butts.

7) What's in your wallet?
A little bit of money, a whole lot of Bank Boston return slips. I have a card from this animator I met once from a class. He drew himself with a fedora and more muscular than he really was, Maine license 'cause I'm too cheap to get a Boston one, credit cards, memberships to various video/anime stores, insurance card, illustration of the Seattle heroin fairy which I keep for good luck.

8) Where is the best place to hang out in Boston?
You know, I haven't found one yet. I've been on a quest to find a cool place to hang out. Most places you have to go in and buy stuff or they kick you out, and if you hang out in the Commons all the dogs bark at you. I don't know, I'm still looking for a cool place to hang out.

9) Name something stupid and/or crazy you've done.
I'm not going into the crazy things, there's too many. I don't mean that to sound like a dippy Wiccan thing. The stupidest thing I can think of is when I was a kid I had this toy that I wanted to melt in the microwave but it wouldn't melt. I was going through that phase where all you want to do is destroy things. So we put this toy in the microwave and nothing happened. But knowing that when you put metal in the microwave it causes things to blow up, we put metal in it's head and put it back in the microwave, which nearly caused the microwave to blow up. We put it in with the metal and after a minute it wasn't doing anything, so I thought the whole "metal in the microwave thing" was just something my mother made up, but then the microwave turned black and it started shooting sparks and stuff. That's definitely the stupidest thing I can think of.

10) What's the most impressive thing about homies?
The way they can dress completely tacky and think that they still look really wicked cool. I'm amazed at the color combinations. They put it together with these really horrible gold crosses. You'd think Jesus would be offended by that, being a fella that walked around in a big sheet all day. I don't know, maybe that was considered to be really tacky at that time.

11) What's the best thing about Vanilla Ice?
The gold streak through his hair rocks, oh, and his double shaved eyebrow. Oh wait, that's two things. Basically all the things he does with his hair… I don't know about the rest of it though. I'd like to think he has one of those chest mohawks like Nicholas Cage in "Valley Girl" though…

12) What's your main aspiration in life?
I want to be Walt Disney without the racism.

13) Name the best thing about high school.
Um… This shouldn't be that hard of a question, right? (sarcastic) There's so many good memories… I guess I had a nice car for a little while until I got in an accident. It was a 1985 Buick that had a turbo engine in it. It actually terrified the living hell out of me to drive it. It was the only thing the redneck kids related to with me. (redneck voice) "That's a really nice car, heh heh." It was a beast of a car.

14) Name your best memory of junior high.
That would be the time I threw this major wobbler in the middle of class based on the fact that we had to write these X-mas cards to kids, I was on this kick about not encouraging the lie of Santa Claus to kids. It was a time in my life when I was the most psychotically depressed, but I had the most friends. I had like, 9 people in the hallway trying to calm me down. I apparently knocked plaster out of the classroom below me. Another one was when someone once paid me $5 to not talk for half an hour. It was a really easy $5. It just shocked everybody that I could do that.

15) What was the best thing about the '80s?
The Talking Heads.

16) What's your favorite rap song?
"Fight the Power" by Public Enemy, the song at the beginning of Do The Right Thing. That's a really white-bred answer. (whitey voice) That little "Fight the Power" song where that little Rosie Perez girl with the monkey face dances.

17) If you were an insect, what would you be?
Oh man that's a loathsome question. I hate insects. (hippy voice) I'd be a butterfly 'cause like, wow man, yeah, they're like, where it's at 'cause like, they're so free…

18) What's your favorite junior high saying?
My favorite junior high saying would be "rad" 'cause rad applied to anything. Remember the days when things could be rad? Everything in my junior high was either rad or lame. So I guess I chose the upbeat one.

19) If you were to suddenly spontaneously combust, what would your last thought be of?
At this point in my life it would be, "holy shit I wasted my life," if it was at this exact moment in time. I think Sam Goody puts that into one's head though.

20) Are you a cat or dog person?
I'm a dog person in that I like dogs, but I act more like a cat. But then again, most cats don't like each other. But I hate little dogs. Little dogs are aspiring to be cats but they don't make it.

21) How did you feel about doing this interview?
At first I felt not-so-fresh, but now I feel fresh, funky fresh.


 

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