1) What is your name or alias?
2) Why are you here?
To find the cure for AIDS.
3) What is your purpose in life?
I don't know, I'm not exactly certain if I should know, I struggle with that all the time… A lot of things make up your purpose—it's subject to interpretation—I think people forget that you live through people, not with people. Quite frankly, I think if I knew, it would kinda ruin the ending. Actually, I think to be an indie rapper is my purpose.
3) Who's your favorite New Kid? Or is it Marky Mark?
Joey McIntyre. Especially in his new days where he's like "give it to you", … Wait, that's Jordan Knight. I just had a revelation during this interview. He's my BFF. Jordan Knight, definitely.
4) What is your favorite game?
The game of love—no, Connect 4. I own bitches in Connect 4. Don't you fucken threaten me.
5) If you were a fruit or vegetable, what would you be?
I think I would probably go with a starfruit, 'cause when you cut them, you can make Xmas ornaments out of them. Or you can eat them.
6) What's in your wallet?
Maxed out credit cards, maxed out debit cards (if that's even possible), P.O.S. show tickets, bus pass from Minneapolis, card of my tattoo artist, stamps, and a lot of stress… a lot of fucking stress.
7) What are your nicknames?
"Don't call it a comeback…" J, Jammie, Janie, I really won't answer to anything.
8) What is the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you?
I don't get embarrassed. Being told I was unattractive, that was pretty embarrassing for the other person. I felt his embarrassment.
9) Nirvana or Pearl Jam?
Neither. I have my reservations about both of them. "Smells Like Teen Spirit", okay, the "Heart-Shaped Box" reference I made earlier—fine. Pearl Jam– that song "Jeremy", the video with… what's his name? (Marissa– Eddie Vedder) Right. I almost said Sammy Hagar. That should be a question: Sammy Hagar or David Lee Roth? Anyway, Eddie Vedder just looked really creepy and twitchy. I don't like twitchy. Circle does not get the square for either of them.
10) What's the best thing about Vanilla Ice?
His fade. His thug-like fade.
11) What is your main aspiration in life?
To be useful. To engage others. To be a human doing, not a human being.
12) What is your favorite '80s band or song?
Ho crap…um…Tribe Called Quest, Milli Vanilli— they were all early '90s! Human League– "Don't You Want Me"… no, scratch that. "West End Girls" by the Pet Shop Boys. That song makes you feel like a fucking superhero.
13) What song is stuck in your head right now?
"Gold Digger" by Kanye West. Pretty much depends, I could go with anything right now.
14) What is your spirit animal?
I don't know what it's called but I should know since I'm a big Star Wars fan, but the creature that Obie-Wan Canobie rides before he fights General Greivous that makes the "rwhau" sound.
15) If you were to spontaneously combust in the near future, what would your
last thought be?
Pancakes. Blueberry pancakes from the all-day breakfast in Kennebunkport. And Reesie cups. Reesie cups are really good.
16) Are you a cat or dog person or perhaps both?
I'm more of a cat person 'cause cats don't chew up my shit.
17) What is your favorite number?
18) Which Monopoly piece do you use?
The shoe! I am the shoe! The shizooe!
19) Name the phase you're in right now.
Menopause. You can take that to the bank, deposit it, put it in a savings account, spend it on Xmas.
20) What's your favorite drink, alcoholic or otherwise?
Otherwise– raspberry iced tea. Alcoholic– I was going to say that drink from the Brick House… (Marissa- nuts and berries?) Right. In my head I almost said twigs and berries.
21) Name three movies you love, and three movies you
Love– 1. Anchorman 2. Hotel Rwanda 3. Jaws
Hate– 1. Anything with Hilary Duff in it. 2. You know, there are just very few things in this earth that I hate. That's a lie. 3. Oh, the movie Unbreakable, that was the worst movie I've ever seen.
22) What's a CD people don't expect you to have?
Considering the fact that I'm white and I listen to more hip hop than any other white girl you'll ever meet..? I do have John Secada's greatest hits.
23) Which actor would play you in the movie version of your life?
If Sandra Bullock, Janeane Garofolo, and that chick from "Dharma and Greg" had a love child, I would be her.
24) What would be the best concert lineup? (Five performers maximum)
Atmosphere, The Doobie Brothers, Carlos Santana, Blackalicious, and Neil Diamond— that's one hell of a show!
25) What TV show could you watch all fucking day?
"Scrubs"! Final answer. What would I do without that television show?
26) Do you read books? And if so, which ones?
Yes. Comic books, Jane magazine, political science books, books about Islam and different things like that and anything by Chuck Klostermann is fucking genius.
27) What are your guilty pleasures?
The Spice Girls first CD, ping pong, in terms of food— hummus.
28) What is your favorite sequined outfit?
The sweater I got in Minneapolis is certainly my favorite, if I could convert that into a dress like Tina Turner did, I'm not sure I could pass that up.
29) What is your favorite Kevin Bacon masterpiece?
Honestly, if I said Footloose, I feel as though I'd be conforming, but I'll say it anyway. It is Footloose. I feel like that question was created just so people could say Footloose.
30) What is the best quote from Napoleon Dynamite?
"Betcha I could throw this football over them mountains."
31) Who is your favorite Jim Henson creation?
Gonzo! I'm a big fan of Kermie. I wanna beat the shit out of Miss Piggy though. Runner up would be Rolph. Rolph's the shiznit. A dog that can play piano: friend for life.
32) Who is your favorite Golden Girl?
I always felt like I could relate to Dorothy, just 'cause she always had to keep it all together. But the slut in me, I think we all know who that one is.
33) What is your favorite movie quote?
That's really hard because there are parts of movies that I really like, like the part in Good Morning, Vietnam where they play "What A Wonderful World". I'm also a fan of "Only a Sith deals in absolutes."
34) How did you feel about doing this interview? RIGHT NOW! FIRST