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Interview with Evan
(first published in Golly Gee #10, spring 2000)

1) What is your name?
Evan Elizabeth Schoolnik

2) Why are you here?
Because I want to LEARN. Because I want to have sex.

3) Who's your favorite New Kid?
Marky Mark. Because he's hot. Because he drops his pants for anyone, specifically Calvin.

4) Who's your favorite Muppet?
It has to be Camilla the chicken. Because I want to name my daughter that. Is that so mean or what?

5) If you were a fruit or vegetable, what would you be?
A soy bean because I taste good. Because I'm a high protein low fat veggie and I taste good and I go well with sushi and stuff.

6) Where is the best place to hang out in Boston?
Oh fuck me are you kidding? The sushi restaurants. Duh, 'cause they have sushi.

7) What's in you wallet?
My license, my expired and my new one. I don't really have a wallet. School ID, insurance cards, two credit cards, AAA card, Blockbuster, condom (totally kidding) business cards of all kinds, bank card, two library cards, LACMA card, insurance card, Paramount card. I look so angry (in my card pictures, thanks).

8) What are your nicknames?
EE, EE mcD, Ev Dawg, Thug Woman, Starter of World War 3, honey bunny, shmev, shmeven, Ivonovich, Ivonavonavich, McDermitt, Freak

9) Name something stupid and/or crazy you've done.
(laughs) I refrain from the question there are way too many things I cannot pinpoint just one. Peeing in public. Screaming bloody murder, going "OH YEAH" in a crowded area. I love making loud noises in a crowded area and then looking normal, people look around like who did that and they have no idea it was me, what a rush.

10) What's the best thing about homies?
Their incredible sense of style.

11) What's the best thing about Vanilla Ice?
Oh my god his eyebrows. I don't even have to think twice about that.

12) What is your main aspiration in life?
To never throw up again ever. To tell you the truth. Have hair past my tits, be really skinny, with boobies.

13) What's the best thing about high school?
Playing soccer with the boys.

14) What's the best thing about junior high?
Junior high is a blur. My bat mitzvah. Just the service part though, not the party. Because I had this really raspy voice and I think raspy voices are sexy, and I had to say what the best thing about being a Jew was and I said because I have blonde hair and blue eyes. Most people are like "why do you say that?" and I'm like "'cause I'm cute."

15) What's the best thing about the '80s?
The music. Flock of Seagulls and their rad hair, no just kidding. The Wedding Singer soundtrack, like you spin me right round baby right round like a record baby round round they're just so silly

16) What's your favorite rap song?
Tone Loc "Wild Thing" and Guantan America by Wyclef.

17) If you were an insect, what would you be?
I don't want to be an insect, I don't like them. I'd be an earthworm, no I'm lying. Yes, I'd be an earthworm because McDonald's just passed this law where they can make a certain percentage of their hamburgers out of earth worms and I would love to say I was a McDonald's hamburger with cheese.

18) What's your favorite junior high saying?
Peeerrrfict.

19) If you were to suddenly spontaneously combust, what would your last thought be of?
That I have to have sex. No, what if my father, no why would my father read this? Who am I? Why do these thoughts go through my head?

20) Are you a cat or dog person?
Dog. Because dogs are sexxxy. Because dogs are real animals, they're not pussies and I can find doggies that I am not allergic too, with cats, the only cats I am not allergic to are Mr. Bigglesworth ones.

21) How did you feel about doing this interview?
Oh I feel so good. I feel real good.


 

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