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November 10, 2005

Get over your asshole phase!

There's a girl at work who just broke up with her boyfriend. He was an ass. I've never met him, but I'm sure this is true. Why? Because he was a "normal" guy. The thing that kills me is that if she was dating a geek/nerd/dork, none of this might have happened.

And now I will pigeonhole and stereotype for your amusement.

Take the typical guy. Chances are he's annoyingly non-committal. He won't allow you to say the following words AT ANY TIME without cringing and making some sort of crude joke:  


He ignores you whenever any sort of sport is on television. He doesn't care whether or not you get off during sex. He thinks cunnilingus is a horrible disease. He ditches you regularly to "go out" (i.e. go to a strip club) with his buddies. He comes home drunk and expects you to have sex with him, and then passes out or pukes before he reaches the bedroom, and expects you to clean the vomit off of both him and the floor. He ogles other girls when the two of you are out together and then makes comments like "What? I'm just LOOKING!" He looks at porn and gives you the same response. When he's not at strip clubs or drinking beer in front of the TV, he's playing PlayStation 2 or poker and expects you to pick his pizza crusts off the floor.

He thinks any of that is okay or "cool" and really can't understand why you're not amused by any of this.


Now, let's say you're dating a geek/nerd/dork.

First of all there IS a difference between the three so let's get that squared away right now. I am not the authority on this so these are broad generalizations and obviously not every geek/nerd/dork will fit these descriptions exactly, but it's a good start.

Geek: Usually a music/film (and it is FILM, not movie) snob. Won't watch or listen to anything that isn't independently made and non-commercial. Refuses to support anything Clear Channel related. Hates mainstream culture and Wal-Mart. Doesn't like bands after they get popular. Reads books about politics, philosophy, or anything they think you haven't heard of. Completely socially retarded, they tend to be condescending, egotistical and self-centered, and get really pissed off when you've actually heard of a band they listen to. They only dress in the following colors: red with black, brown with yellow, or all black (but not goth, goth is totally different).


Nerd: These are your IT people, the ones who know anything about networking computers and computer games. Socially inept doesn't even BEGIN to describe them. These people look like they're in PAIN when they have to interact with someone face-to-face, but they'll talk like they think they're a badass once you get them in a chat room. They have no sense of style whatsoever and accept clothing purchased for them by their parents. They giggle uncontrollably and/or start sweating profusely when there is a member of the opposite sex in sight. Their idea of a fun night is having their friends over for a night of networking Dark Age of Camelot. Reads Star Wars books and NOTHING else.


Dork: These people have no shame. They are usually uncomfortably loud and can't stop talking no matter how hard they try. They enjoy theatrical music like Queen, Van Halen and showtunes. Unlike nerds, they think they actually have style, but are often found wearing band T-shirts that are two sizes too small and end up looking like 14-year old boys (even if female). They enjoy repeating "obscure" facts about bands or pop culture figures that they learned about on VH1 and thinking you won't have heard these things, and will keep trying until they tell you something you HAVEN'T actually heard (which could take hours). They are obsessed with pop culture, read teen magazines and do all the quizzes.


But I digress. Most of them will act pretty similar when they get into a relationship, because they don't take relationships for granted, unlike, say, the asshole frat boy down the street or your typical BU girl.

I'm not saying that many of them aren't plagued with some of the problems that are common in most men, but the big difference you'll encounter with a geek/nerd/dork is that they're aware of it and aren't proud of it, unlike Mr. Asshole. Let's say your nerd wants to spend the evening playing... oh... Dark Age of Camelot with five of his buddies at your apartment. And you were hoping to spend some time together. Oftentimes, your Nerd boy will say something like "Honey, if the guys come over tonight, you and I can go hiking tomorrow!" Now, you might say, "But he should do that anyway!" Well, you can actually point this out to your Nerd/Geek/Dork boy, and ask him to sweeten the deal, and he will understand and respect this. My favorite bargaining chip is dinner at our local Indian restaurant.


Geek/Nerd/Dork boys actually listen to you. Let's say you're driving around and you pass a movie theater and say "Hey, [Batman/Mean Girls/Harry Potter] is playing! I really want to see that!" Chances are, the next time you have a bad day, your geek/nerd/dork might just say, "Hey, why don't we go see Batman, would that cheer you up?"

Unfortunately, they might say "Hey, why don't we go see BATMAN?" no matter what movie you mentioned wanting to see. :D

When you want to spend the weekend at home in your pajamas and watch crappy TV and eat nothing but junk food, your Nerd/Dork/Geek boy is right there with you, and they really don't give a shit if you neglect to shave your legs for, oh, two weeks, because hey, they're getting laid! And they didn't shave either! Let's say you just feel like watching Pretty Woman and being by yourself. Fine! Your Geek/Dork/Nerd boy will gladly power up his computer and let you do your thing.


And they might just surprise you and show up at your work to take you out to lunch the next time you're having a bad day. And you might find a dozen roses waiting for you when you get to the car. And then after dropping you back at work, they might come back an hour later with delicious Byrne and Carlson chocolates. And then play two games of Killer Bunnies with you after you have a wonderful evening at home. Honestly, what could be better?

Yet there are so many girls I know who dismiss the idea of dating a nerd because of societal stigmas. Come on, is Dungeons and Dragons REALLY that bad? It's a game where friends get together and use their imaginations. It involves research and dedication, not to mention the sacrifice of about six hours every Saturday. These people are LOYAL. They've been playing since high school, with the same group of people. They are NOT afraid of commitment. Let's say your Geek/Nerd/Dork is a gamer. Isn't it nice to come home after a long day at work and know that you don't have to worry about going out later? You can stay home and read or work on crafts or whatever it is that you do without having to worry about your man being like "Hey, let's go out to the bar!"

The Geek/Nerd/Dork actually loves and appreciates you. They will try to make you... (oh god no!) happy! They will not run screaming at words like "commitment" and "relationship" or even (No!) "baby"! Some of them actually want kids more than you! Many of them like pets! And cleanliness! (Though that's mainly due to allergies to dust.) Some of them even shower regularly! And do laundry! Not to mention the added benefit that you will never have to pay for computer repair or internet service ever again.

"But they've never dated anyone before!" you might say. And your point is? What the hell is wrong with a clean slate!?! The reason they haven't dated is because they were busy doing other things other than trying to objectify and take advantage of you and your friends in high school. And they were intimidated by your beauty. Okay, maybe they were just intimidated by you being a girl, but same difference. And now they've grown up (most of them, anyway), they've actually been in a couple of social situations, and are just rearing to go.


Many girls still don't want to give the nerds a chance. They're still pining after the bizarre interpretation of what it is to be a male that is portrayed in mainstream media. I'm sorry, but if you think you're a real man and you've never cried, admitted a weakness, or been able to talk comfortably about bodily functions (including FEMALE bodily functions and yes I mean periods), YOU ARE NOT A REAL MAN. If you think wearing pink, dressing nice, or showering makes you gay or a pussy, YOU ARE NOT A REAL MAN. Geeks, nerds, and dorks don't give a shit about any of those stereotypical pressures, and you can be refreshingly relaxed about them and talk to them about anything, without worrying about them dumping you because you said "pad."

It really bothers me that this ridiculous stereotype of a "man" is pimped so heavily in our TV and movies. We're taught from a young age that we're supposed to be attracted to assholes and that geeks/nerds/dorks are not worthy of our attention. Half the girls I went to school with thought John Bender in The Breakfast Club was hot shit, and he was fucking SEXUALLY HARASSING Molly Ringwald's character! (Not to mention the horrible transformation of a perfect example of a geek, Ally Sheedy's character, at the end of the movie. Fucking bullshit, she was cool already!)

Wolverine in X-Men 2 is touted as the hot guy in that movie, thank goodness Jean Gray actually tells him off at one point and says no girl in her right mind actually goes with the badass, they end up marrying the nice guy. THANK YOU! But yet, we still feel bad for Wolverine, even though (and you know this was coming) HE IS AN ASSHOLE. The fucker left her for what, a year and expected to come back and pick up right where he left off? And thought that insulting her current boyfriend and stealing TWO of his vehicles without asking was going to somehow impress her? And don't get me started on Ashton Kutcher. "Oh, Ashton, I don't mind that you totally smashed my car, ran over my dog, slept with my best friend and made me look like a complete moron on national television! You're so cute so it's okay!" FUCK ASHTON KUTCHER HE IS EVIL.

While I'm at it, what's with guys insulting you and thinking that it's somehow going to make you want to hang out with them? (You know what I'm talking about.)


For some reason, Duckie just wasn't Molly Ringwald's type in Pretty in Pink. And why? Because he was actually LOYAL the whole time and would do ANYTHING for her? Why is this a bad thing again? Oh right, because he had dirty shoes. And Blaine was (yes) an asshole, and therefore an excellent trophy boyfriend for Molly. What the fuck? Who actually buys that ending ("you said you have to believe in someone, but you didn't believe in me. I never stopped believing in you." Or whatever he says.)??? It was total bullshit! She's just supposed to forget that Blaine didn't call her back for two weeks to avoid taking her to the dance? Fuck that. Fuck Blaine, Molly is a moron for not going with Duckie in the end.

Fuck the badasses. Seriously. If you're still hung up on that, please wake up and realize, they're not "badass", they're ASSHOLES. They act like they don't give a fuck because THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK. About anything! Including you! And when you expect them to listen to your problems and care, you're going to get a big old eye-roll from your Wolverine/John Bender/Ashton Kutcher man while he goes out to spend the evening with his buddies and dumps you three days later.


So if you're single, the next time the balding, Dungeons-and-Dragons-playing, Batman-loving Nerd/Dork/Geek-boy says hi to you, take another look. Isn't he cute once you see past all that? Isn't the idea of him going off to play D+D while you hang out with your friends and have some girl time kind of sweet? Isn't a gaming addiction infinitely better than say, alcoholism? Isn't it nice to actually get the respect you deserve?

A big shout out to all the Geek/Dork/Nerd boys. Especially Randy.



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