November 10, 2005
Get over your asshole phase!
There's a girl at work who just broke up with her boyfriend. He was
an ass. I've never met him, but I'm sure this is true. Why? Because he
was a "normal" guy. The thing that kills me is that if she was dating
a geek/nerd/dork, none of this might have happened.
And now I will pigeonhole and stereotype for your amusement.
Take the typical guy. Chances are he's annoyingly non-committal. He
won't allow you to say the following words AT ANY TIME without
cringing and making some sort of crude joke:
He ignores you whenever any sort of sport is on television. He
doesn't care whether or not you get off during sex. He thinks
cunnilingus is a horrible disease. He ditches you regularly to "go
out" (i.e. go to a strip club) with his buddies. He comes home drunk
and expects you to have sex with him, and then passes out or pukes
before he reaches the bedroom, and expects you to clean the vomit off
of both him and the floor. He ogles other girls when the two of you
are out together and then makes comments like "What? I'm just
LOOKING!" He looks at porn and gives you the same response. When he's
not at strip clubs or drinking beer in front of the TV, he's playing
PlayStation 2 or poker and expects you to pick his pizza crusts off
He thinks any of that is okay or "cool" and really can't understand
why you're not amused by any of this.
Now, let's say you're dating a geek/nerd/dork.
First of all there IS a difference between the three so let's get
that squared away right now. I am not the authority on this so these
are broad generalizations and obviously not every geek/nerd/dork will
fit these descriptions exactly, but it's a good start.
Geek: Usually a music/film (and it is FILM, not movie) snob. Won't
watch or listen to anything that isn't independently made and
non-commercial. Refuses to support anything Clear Channel related.
Hates mainstream culture and Wal-Mart. Doesn't like bands after they
get popular. Reads books about politics, philosophy, or anything they
think you haven't heard of. Completely socially retarded, they tend to
be condescending, egotistical and self-centered, and get really pissed
off when you've actually heard of a band they listen to. They only
dress in the following colors: red with black, brown with yellow, or
all black (but not goth, goth is totally different).
Nerd: These are your IT people, the ones who know anything
about networking computers and computer games. Socially inept doesn't
even BEGIN to describe them. These people look like they're in PAIN
when they have to interact with someone face-to-face, but they'll talk
like they think they're a badass once you get them in a chat room.
They have no sense of style whatsoever and accept clothing purchased
for them by their parents. They giggle uncontrollably and/or start
sweating profusely when there is a member of the opposite sex in
sight. Their idea of a fun night is having their friends over for a
night of networking Dark Age of Camelot. Reads Star Wars books and
Dork: These people have no shame. They are usually
uncomfortably loud and can't stop talking no matter how hard they try.
They enjoy theatrical music like Queen, Van Halen and showtunes.
Unlike nerds, they think they actually have style, but are often found
wearing band T-shirts that are two sizes too small and end up looking
like 14-year old boys (even if female). They enjoy repeating "obscure"
facts about bands or pop culture figures that they learned about on
VH1 and thinking you won't have heard these things, and will keep
trying until they tell you something you HAVEN'T actually heard (which
could take hours). They are obsessed with pop culture, read teen
magazines and do all the quizzes.
But I digress. Most of them will act pretty similar when they get
into a relationship, because they don't take relationships for
granted, unlike, say, the asshole frat boy down the street or your
typical BU girl.
I'm not saying that many of them aren't plagued with some of the
problems that are common in most men, but the big difference you'll
encounter with a geek/nerd/dork is that they're aware of it and aren't
proud of it, unlike Mr. Asshole. Let's say your nerd wants to spend
the evening playing... oh... Dark Age of Camelot with five of his buddies
at your apartment. And you were hoping to spend some time together.
Oftentimes, your Nerd boy will say something like "Honey, if the guys
come over tonight, you and I can go hiking tomorrow!" Now, you might
say, "But he should do that anyway!" Well, you can actually point this
out to your Nerd/Geek/Dork boy, and ask him to sweeten the deal, and
he will understand and respect this. My favorite bargaining chip is
dinner at our local Indian restaurant.
Geek/Nerd/Dork boys actually listen to you. Let's say you're
driving around and you pass a movie theater and say "Hey, [Batman/Mean
Girls/Harry Potter] is playing! I really want to see that!" Chances
are, the next time you have a bad day, your geek/nerd/dork might just
say, "Hey, why don't we go see Batman, would that cheer you up?"
Unfortunately, they might say "Hey, why don't we go see BATMAN?" no
matter what movie you mentioned wanting to see. :D
When you want to spend the weekend at home in your pajamas and
watch crappy TV and eat nothing but junk food, your Nerd/Dork/Geek boy
is right there with you, and they really don't give a shit if you
neglect to shave your legs for, oh, two weeks, because hey, they're
getting laid! And they didn't shave either! Let's say you just feel
like watching Pretty Woman and being by yourself. Fine! Your
Geek/Dork/Nerd boy will gladly power up his computer and let you do
And they might just surprise you and show up at your work to take
you out to lunch the next time you're having a bad day. And you might
find a dozen roses waiting for you when you get to the car. And then
after dropping you back at work, they might come back an hour later
with delicious Byrne and Carlson chocolates. And then play two games
of Killer Bunnies with you after you have a wonderful evening at home.
Honestly, what could be better?
Yet there are so many girls I know who dismiss the idea of dating a
nerd because of societal stigmas. Come on, is Dungeons and Dragons
REALLY that bad? It's a game where friends get together and use their
imaginations. It involves research and dedication, not to mention the
sacrifice of about six hours every Saturday. These people are LOYAL.
They've been playing since high school, with the same group of people.
They are NOT afraid of commitment. Let's say your Geek/Nerd/Dork is a
gamer. Isn't it nice to come home after a long day at work and know
that you don't have to worry about going out later? You can stay home
and read or work on crafts or whatever it is that you do without
having to worry about your man being like "Hey, let's go out to the
The Geek/Nerd/Dork actually loves and appreciates you. They will
try to make you... (oh god no!) happy! They will not run screaming at
words like "commitment" and "relationship" or even (No!) "baby"! Some
of them actually want kids more than you! Many of them like pets! And
cleanliness! (Though that's mainly due to allergies to dust.) Some of
them even shower regularly! And do laundry! Not to mention the added
benefit that you will never have to pay for computer repair or
internet service ever again.
"But they've never dated anyone before!" you might say. And your
point is? What the hell is wrong with a clean slate!?! The reason they
haven't dated is because they were busy doing other things other than
trying to objectify and take advantage of you and your friends in high
school. And they were intimidated by your beauty. Okay, maybe they
were just intimidated by you being a girl, but same difference. And
now they've grown up (most of them, anyway), they've actually been in
a couple of social situations, and are just rearing to go.
Many girls still don't want to give the nerds a chance. They're
still pining after the bizarre interpretation of what it is to be a
male that is portrayed in mainstream media. I'm sorry, but if you
think you're a real man and you've never cried, admitted a weakness,
or been able to talk comfortably about bodily functions (including
FEMALE bodily functions and yes I mean periods), YOU ARE NOT A REAL
MAN. If you think wearing pink, dressing nice, or showering makes you
gay or a pussy, YOU ARE NOT A REAL MAN. Geeks, nerds, and dorks don't
give a shit about any of those stereotypical pressures, and you can be
refreshingly relaxed about them and talk to them about anything,
without worrying about them dumping you because you said "pad."
It really bothers me that this ridiculous stereotype of a "man" is
pimped so heavily in our TV and movies. We're taught from a young age
that we're supposed to be attracted to assholes and that
geeks/nerds/dorks are not worthy of our attention. Half the girls I
went to school with thought John Bender in The Breakfast Club was hot
shit, and he was fucking SEXUALLY HARASSING Molly Ringwald's
character! (Not to mention the horrible transformation of a perfect
example of a geek, Ally Sheedy's character, at the end of the movie.
Fucking bullshit, she was cool already!)
Wolverine in X-Men 2 is touted
as the hot guy in that movie, thank goodness Jean Gray actually tells
him off at one point and says no girl in her right mind actually goes
with the badass, they end up marrying the nice guy. THANK YOU! But
yet, we still feel bad for Wolverine, even though (and you know this
was coming) HE IS AN ASSHOLE. The fucker left her for what, a year and
expected to come back and pick up right where he left off? And thought
that insulting her current boyfriend and stealing TWO of his vehicles
without asking was going to somehow impress her? And don't get me
started on Ashton Kutcher. "Oh, Ashton, I don't mind that you totally
smashed my car, ran over my dog, slept with my best friend and made me
look like a complete moron on national television! You're so cute so
it's okay!" FUCK ASHTON KUTCHER HE IS EVIL.
While I'm at it, what's with guys insulting you and thinking that
it's somehow going to make you want to hang out with them? (You know
what I'm talking about.)
For some reason, Duckie just wasn't Molly Ringwald's type in Pretty
in Pink. And why? Because he was actually LOYAL the whole time and
would do ANYTHING for her? Why is this a bad thing again? Oh right,
because he had dirty shoes. And Blaine was (yes) an asshole, and
therefore an excellent trophy boyfriend for Molly. What the fuck? Who
actually buys that ending ("you said you have to believe in someone,
but you didn't believe in me. I never stopped believing in you." Or
whatever he says.)??? It was total bullshit! She's just supposed to
forget that Blaine didn't call her back for two weeks to avoid taking
her to the dance? Fuck that. Fuck Blaine, Molly is a moron for not
going with Duckie in the end.
Fuck the badasses. Seriously. If you're still hung up on that,
please wake up and realize, they're not "badass", they're ASSHOLES.
They act like they don't give a fuck because THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
About anything! Including you! And when you expect them to listen to
your problems and care, you're going to get a big old eye-roll from
your Wolverine/John Bender/Ashton Kutcher man while he goes out to
spend the evening with his buddies and dumps you three days later.
So if you're single, the next time the balding,
Dungeons-and-Dragons-playing, Batman-loving Nerd/Dork/Geek-boy says hi
to you, take another look. Isn't he cute once you see past all that?
Isn't the idea of him going off to play D+D while you hang out with
your friends and have some girl time kind of sweet? Isn't a gaming
addiction infinitely better than say, alcoholism? Isn't it nice to
actually get the respect you deserve?
A big shout out to all the Geek/Dork/Nerd boys. Especially Randy.